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Sixers Head Coach Surprises Players with Trip to Meet Villanova Men’s Basketball Team

Sixers Head Coach Surprises Players with Trip to Meet Villanova Men’s Basketball Team

SOUTH PHILADELPHIA—At the end of practice Tuesday afternoon, Sixers head coach Brett Brown surprised his players with the news that he had arranged for the team to meet with the NCAA tournament-winning Villanova Men’s Basketball team later in the week. Despite their hectic post-victory schedule, the newly-crowned champs of Men’s...
Local Crack Dealers Hold Vigil for Ex-Toronto Mayor Outside Canadian Consulate

Local Crack Dealers Hold Vigil for Ex-Toronto Mayor Outside Canadian Consulate

CENTER CITY—Scores of grieving crack dealers gathered outside the Consulate General of Canada in Center City Thursday evening during a vigil to honor the memory of former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who died on Tuesday. News of Ford’s death shocked crack dealers around the world, including those living here in...
Alleged Mariota Offer Reportedly Included ‘One Unforgettable Night of Unbridled Passion’ with Former Eagles Head Coach

Alleged Mariota Offer Reportedly Included ‘One Unforgettable Night of Unbridled Passion’ with Former Eagles Head Coach

PHILADELPHIA—As reports from NFL insiders continue to surface about the myriad of draft picks and players former Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was willing to give up in order to acquire Marcus Mariota in last year’s draft, the most scandalous detail of these reports has been the charge that Kelly...
Villanova Fans Perform Actual Human Sacrifice to Distract Free-throw Shooter

Villanova Fans Perform Actual Human Sacrifice to Distract Free-throw Shooter

VILLANOVA, PA—Villanova’s men’s basketball team is giving thanks today to their dedicated fan base after their 86-56 victory over UNC Asheville Friday, during which students went to great lengths to distract an opposing free-throw shooter—by performing an actual human sacrifice during the game. With just over three minutes left in...
Auditions for New Season of ‘America’s Next Top Supreme Court Justice’ Coming to Philly

Auditions for New Season of ‘America’s Next Top Supreme Court Justice’ Coming to Philly

WASHINGTON, D.C.—With the recent vacancy in the highest court in the country, the search for America’s Next Top Supreme Court Justice begins anew—and the nationwide tour of auditions for the hit television show will be making a stop in Philadelphia. In an effort to avoid a drawn out dispute, President...
SEPTA Regional Rail Launches Indego Handcar Share Program

SEPTA Regional Rail Launches Indego Handcar Share Program

CENTER CITY—Following in the footsteps of their popular bike share program, Indego, in partnership with SEPTA, has unveiled a new venture that allows regional rail riders the opportunity to take their commutes into their own hands and rent manually-operated handcars in the first ever individualized railway-based transportation share. In a...
Fan-Favorite ‘Tiny’ Suspended from Puppy Bowl 2016 for Use of PEDs

Fan-Favorite ‘Tiny’ Suspended from Puppy Bowl 2016 for Use of PEDs

SILVER SPRING, MD—After weeks of speculation, results from league-mandated pre-game drug testing Saturday morning confirmed that Tiny, a four-year Puppy Bowl veteran, tested positive for PEDs (Puppy-Enhancing Drugs), leading to the immediate suspension of the Weimaraner from all National Puppy Football League (NPFL) activities, including Sunday’s big game. NPFL officials...
Rapper B.o.B. Holds Benefit Concert to Raise Funds for Railing around Edge of Earth

Rapper B.o.B. Holds Benefit Concert to Raise Funds for Railing around Edge of Earth

LOS ANGELES—After emerging as the newest voice in the Flat-Earth awareness movement, rapper B.o.B. put his music where his mouth is Thursday and held a benefit concert that raised close to $150K that will be used to construct a railing around the edge of the Earth. “People are always talking...
In Response to Allegations of Racism, Academy Announces Nomination of 'That Black Guy' from 'Concussion'

In Response to Allegations of Racism, Academy Announces Nomination of ‘That Black Guy’ from ‘Concussion’

HOLLYWOOD—After coming under fire for what is now the second-consecutive year of Oscar nominations where African-American nominees were noticeably absent from the Best Actor and Best Director categories, the Academy issued a statement of apology on Saturday announced that they would be adding “that black guy from Concussion” as the 7th...
NJ Police Release Security Cam Photo of Suspect Believed Responsible for ‘Sonic Booms’

NJ Police Release Security Cam Photo of Suspect Believed Responsible for ‘Sonic Booms’

CAPE MAY, New Jersey—Following a series of sonic booms that rattled southern New Jersey Thursday afternoon, the Cape May City Police Department released a security camera photo of the individual they believe is responsible. “It was originally believed that the sonic phenomena were caused by a test flight of a...
As Yet Another Shipment of Flavored Syrup Arrives, Gov. Christie Vows NJ Snow Gone by Weekend

As Yet Another Shipment of Flavored Syrup Arrives, Gov. Christie Vows NJ Snow Gone by Weekend

TRENTON, New Jersey—Grimacing through a series of brain-freezes, a sugary-syrup-covered Chris Christie promised the residents of New Jersey that they needn’t worry as the record levels of snow accumulation would “all be gone by the weekend.” Republican presidential-hopeful Christie recently came under fire for a comment he made regarding taking...
New England Patriots Announce Team to Relocate to Mordor

New England Patriots Announce Team to Relocate to Mordor

BOSTON—After losing to the Denver Broncos in the AFC Championship game on Sunday, Robert Kraft, owner of the Patriots franchise, announced that the team would be relocating to Mordor. “We would like to thank the fans for all their support through the decades,” stated Kraft in a press conference on...
PennDOT Plow Driver Puts 10,000 Folding Chairs on I-95; Claims It for Himself

PennDOT Plow Driver Puts 10,000 Folding Chairs on I-95; Claims It for Himself

Philadelphia—After an arduous night of snow removal, one PennDOT plow driver guaranteed that his efforts would not be wasted when he placed over 10,000 folding chairs on a freshly-plowed Interstate 95. Bruce Conners, 52, explained that since he was the one who removed the snow from the roadway he should...
God Announces Sequel to Bible

God Announces Sequel to Bible

JERUSALEM—According to a press release this Sunday, the long awaited sequel to the best-selling Bible was announced. “After 2000 years on the bestseller list, hundreds of movie and stage adaptations, and countless fan-fiction spin offs, the next installment is here,” reports the AP. In an exclusive interview with SKP, God...
‘Mission Accomplished’ Declared in War on Christmas

‘Mission Accomplished’ Declared in War on Christmas

WASHINGTON—Sitting before an over-sized banner reading “Mission Accomplished” a panel comprised of prominent Atheist, Muslim, and Jewish leaders was joined by President Obama in declaring victory in the war against the celebration of Christmas. “This has been almost 40 years in the making, but we’ve finally made the offensive Christian practice of celebrating the fictional birthday...
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Sixers Head Coach Surprises Players with Trip to Meet Villanova Men’s Basketball Team

Sixers Head Coach Surprises Players with Trip to Meet Villanova Men’s Basketball Team

SOUTH PHILADELPHIA—At the end of practice Tuesday afternoon, Sixers head coach Brett Brown surprised his players with the news that he had arranged for the team to meet with the NCAA tournament-winning Villanova Men’s Basketball team later in the week. Despite their hectic post-victory schedule, the newly-crowned champs of Men’s college basketball were able to...
Local Crack Dealers Hold Vigil for Ex-Toronto Mayor Outside Canadian Consulate

Local Crack Dealers Hold Vigil for Ex-Toronto Mayor Outside Canadian Consulate

CENTER CITY—Scores of grieving crack dealers gathered outside the Consulate General of Canada in Center City Thursday evening during a vigil to honor the memory of former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who died on Tuesday. News of Ford’s death shocked crack dealers around the world, including those living here in Philadelphia. Those in attendance, each...
Alleged Mariota Offer Reportedly Included ‘One Unforgettable Night of Unbridled Passion’ with Former Eagles Head Coach

Alleged Mariota Offer Reportedly Included ‘One Unforgettable Night of Unbridled Passion’ with Former Eagles Head Coach

PHILADELPHIA—As reports from NFL insiders continue to surface about the myriad of draft picks and players former Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was willing to give up in order to acquire Marcus Mariota in last year’s draft, the most scandalous detail of these reports has been the charge that Kelly was to include “one unforgettable...
Villanova Fans Perform Actual Human Sacrifice to Distract Free-throw Shooter

Villanova Fans Perform Actual Human Sacrifice to Distract Free-throw Shooter

VILLANOVA, PA—Villanova’s men’s basketball team is giving thanks today to their dedicated fan base after their 86-56 victory over UNC Asheville Friday, during which students went to great lengths to distract an opposing free-throw shooter—by performing an actual human sacrifice during the game. With just over three minutes left in the first half of the...
Auditions for New Season of ‘America’s Next Top Supreme Court Justice’ Coming to Philly

Auditions for New Season of ‘America’s Next Top Supreme Court Justice’ Coming to Philly

WASHINGTON, D.C.—With the recent vacancy in the highest court in the country, the search for America’s Next Top Supreme Court Justice begins anew—and the nationwide tour of auditions for the hit television show will be making a stop in Philadelphia. In an effort to avoid a drawn out dispute, President Obama and House Speaker Paul...
SEPTA Regional Rail Launches Indego Handcar Share Program

SEPTA Regional Rail Launches Indego Handcar Share Program

CENTER CITY—Following in the footsteps of their popular bike share program, Indego, in partnership with SEPTA, has unveiled a new venture that allows regional rail riders the opportunity to take their commutes into their own hands and rent manually-operated handcars in the first ever individualized railway-based transportation share. In a statement last week, SEPTA explained...
Fan-Favorite ‘Tiny’ Suspended from Puppy Bowl 2016 for Use of PEDs

Fan-Favorite ‘Tiny’ Suspended from Puppy Bowl 2016 for Use of PEDs

SILVER SPRING, MD—After weeks of speculation, results from league-mandated pre-game drug testing Saturday morning confirmed that Tiny, a four-year Puppy Bowl veteran, tested positive for PEDs (Puppy-Enhancing Drugs), leading to the immediate suspension of the Weimaraner from all National Puppy Football League (NPFL) activities, including Sunday’s big game. NPFL officials began investigating claims that Tiny...
Rapper B.o.B. Holds Benefit Concert to Raise Funds for Railing around Edge of Earth

Rapper B.o.B. Holds Benefit Concert to Raise Funds for Railing around Edge of Earth

LOS ANGELES—After emerging as the newest voice in the Flat-Earth awareness movement, rapper B.o.B. put his music where his mouth is Thursday and held a benefit concert that raised close to $150K that will be used to construct a railing around the edge of the Earth. “People are always talking about world hunger, human rights,...
In Response to Allegations of Racism, Academy Announces Nomination of 'That Black Guy' from 'Concussion'

In Response to Allegations of Racism, Academy Announces Nomination of ‘That Black Guy’ from ‘Concussion’

HOLLYWOOD—After coming under fire for what is now the second-consecutive year of Oscar nominations where African-American nominees were noticeably absent from the Best Actor and Best Director categories, the Academy issued a statement of apology on Saturday announced that they would be adding “that black guy from Concussion” as the 7th nominee to the Best Actor...
NJ Police Release Security Cam Photo of Suspect Believed Responsible for ‘Sonic Booms’

NJ Police Release Security Cam Photo of Suspect Believed Responsible for ‘Sonic Booms’

CAPE MAY, New Jersey—Following a series of sonic booms that rattled southern New Jersey Thursday afternoon, the Cape May City Police Department released a security camera photo of the individual they believe is responsible. “It was originally believed that the sonic phenomena were caused by a test flight of a military fighter jet,” Robert Sheehan...
As Yet Another Shipment of Flavored Syrup Arrives, Gov. Christie Vows NJ Snow Gone by Weekend

As Yet Another Shipment of Flavored Syrup Arrives, Gov. Christie Vows NJ Snow Gone by Weekend

TRENTON, New Jersey—Grimacing through a series of brain-freezes, a sugary-syrup-covered Chris Christie promised the residents of New Jersey that they needn’t worry as the record levels of snow accumulation would “all be gone by the weekend.” Republican presidential-hopeful Christie recently came under fire for a comment he made regarding taking up a mop to help...
New England Patriots Announce Team to Relocate to Mordor

New England Patriots Announce Team to Relocate to Mordor

BOSTON—After losing to the Denver Broncos in the AFC Championship game on Sunday, Robert Kraft, owner of the Patriots franchise, announced that the team would be relocating to Mordor. “We would like to thank the fans for all their support through the decades,” stated Kraft in a press conference on Monday, “but it is time...